Too Big Too Fast
by PokeyDotes
Summary: Tony and Peter are both certifiable geniuses. Surely they can make a Happy Birthday sign. How hard can it be? Part 1: The Mulaney Paradigm


This is what happens when your friends send you John Mulaney memes and you happen to be a Spider-Man fan at the same time...it started as a joke, a little comment that went something like "hey, we should totally write a series of stories where Peter Parker acts out different scenes from John Mulaney's jokes!"

And then said friend said "No take backs! You totally have to do this now!"

If there's two things in life I take seriously, it's pinky promises and no take backs.

So here it is.  
The first of what might end up being many "Peter and Tony living out John Mulaney skits"

* * *

Tuesdays were not known for being the most productive day of the week. They also weren't known for being the most exciting or memorable which was what Tony was blaming his lack of judgment and complete lapse in memory on.

He wasn't a terrible friend. He 100% knew that Rhodey's birthday was October sixth.

He just didn't realize they were already a week into October.

Hadn't September _literally_ just started?

Didn't matter. It was here, Happy was on his way back from picking Rhodey up from the airport, and Peter was supposed to be arriving any moment with a Happy Birthday sign Tony could hang up in order to set the mood.

Mostly because Rhodey had banned almost everything else.

But he didn't say anything about a sign.

And just like clockwork, the elevator dinged and Peter spilled out, bouncing excitedly as stumbled into the penthouse, a crinkled Costco bag hanging at his side and a large, white, poster board held in his hand.

"Hey, Mr. Stark," he said, plopping the bag onto the counter with a _clatter _and _rattle._ Tony peaked inside to see a collection of old markers, of different brands, sizes, and ages.

"Mr. Parker," Tony greeted, frowning and pointing at the bag and the poster board Peter was trying to smooth out on the counter. It kept curling at the edges. "What's all this?"

"You said we were making Col. Rhodes a happy birthday sign," Peter reminded him.

"This is not what I had in mind when I said buy a birthday sign," Tony mumbled, lifting the flimsy poster board and sneering at the markers. "I was thinking something a little more 'upscale and class' and a little less 'some assembly required'."

Peter grabbed the poster board out of Tony's hands and laid it out on the counter. "Dude, I had like five dollars. 'No assembly required' would have cost at least ten." He grabbed an apple out of the fruit bowl and set it on the edge of the poster, stopping it from curling up. "Five dollars gets you a bag of old markers and a little DIY."

And okay, yeah. That made sense. He looked at the clock on the wall, realized there probably wasn't enough time to slip the kid his debit card and send him back to the store before Rhodey arrived. "Whatever. I assume you know how to spell 'Happy Birthday'?"

Peter rolled his eyes and grabbed the blue marker and proceeded to write a big ass H on the poster board.

Tony went to the fridge, grabbed a couple of sodas and turned around to see Peter frowning at the unfinished sign. He had made it as far as the H and the A before stopping. "It's okay," Tony said in a tone decidedly more mocking than it was soothing, "Take your time and sound it out."

Peter looked up, and while the kid didn't actually say the words 'fuck you' that frown sure did. "I think I messed up," he admitted.

It was Tony's turn to frown. He looked back at the poster, and he might not be the biggest arts and crafts kind of guy but he knew how to spell and was pretty sure happy was spelled—oh. Okay. He saw it now.

"You went too big too fast, you're gonna run out of room," he pointed out, earning another unappreciative glare from Peter. "Just flip it over and start again."

Peter did just that. Or tried to. As soon as he flipped it over, however, they were met with a new problem. A stickered price tag a little longer than Tony's thumb was stuck right in the middle.

Peter picked at it with the edge of his chewed up thumb nail until he lifted it up enough to pull. And then—

"Damn it," Peter hissed, wincing as the sticker began to come off, taking the face of the poster with it, threatening to tear a hole.

"Okay, screw plan B. Let's take another look at plan A," Tony said, flipping the poster back over.

Peter looked at it and sighed. "Maybe we just skip the sign?"

Tony tilted his head and arched a judging eyebrow. "Is it really a birthday party without a sign?"

"You said this wasn't an actual party," Peter reminded him. "Just a little get together."

"Only because Rhodey's adamant I not throw an actual party. Something about being mature and outgrowing parties or some other bullshit. Pretty sure it's just because he's in denial about getting older."

"How old is he anyway?" Peter asked. "Like sixty?"

Tony nearly choked on his drink. "Excuse you."

Peter wrinkled the bridge of his nose, cringing as he guessed, "Not sixty?"

Tony shook his head. "Try fifty."

Peter narrowed his eyes.

"Fifty-ish," Tony amended. "Doesn't matter, we're not putting his age on the sign. Just try to fix it."

Peter uncapped the marker again and leaned back down. Tony watched as he drew a P, this one considerably skinnier than the previous two letters. The 'leg' of the P was long and the hump was way too high, something made all the more noticeable when the kid added the second P right below the hump of the first.

"Kid," Tony groaned, reaching forward and grabbing the marker. "You got a freaking motorcycle sidecar situation going on!"

"Okay, first off, yelling is not going to help the situation," Peter argued, tone defensive and full of exasperation. "And how else was I gonna fit it all on there?"

Tony just sat his drink down next to the bag of markers, tucked his tongue between his teeth, and drew a weird sort of curled up noodle Y.

Cursive and block letters looked good together, right?

Judging by the look on Peter's face. They did not.

But the kid was the one who got them into the mess in the first place, he didn't have room for judgment.

Or so Tony thought…

Tony looked at the weird ass **HA**Pp_y_, took a deep breath and moved on to the next line.

And drew a big ass B.

"Seriously?" Peter asked. "Did you learn nothing from the word 'happy'?"

Tony looked up and made sure his frown said 'fuck you'.

Peter wasn't impressed. "Maybe you did, but that was like three seconds ago, the past is the past. Surely _more_ letters will fit in the same space."

Tony missed the days when the kid was ninety percent hero worship, ten percent respectful, and zero percent sass. Those numbers had been skewed somewhere along the way…

Tony narrowed his eyes and pointed the squishy tip of the marker at Peter threateningly. "Alright, new rule; if I'm not allowed to yell, then you're not allowed to be a smart ass."

Peter blinked, then asked, "Does that mean we're gonna do this in silence then?"

It did.

In the end, it wasn't the worst thing Tony had created. 'Birthday' looked considerably a hell of a lot better than 'happy' (thank you very much) and the sign was deemed passable.

Passable-ish?

It was as good as they were gonna get because Happy had already texted saying they were only a few blocks away.

Which was why Tony was a little confused when the elevator dinged just a few seconds later. He turned away from the sign which was now hanging on the wall to see Pepper emerging from the elevator, her brow furrowed in thought (and a little judgment).

Tony followed her stare and realized she was looking at the sign.

Rude.

"Say one word and you're not invited to Rhodey's birthday party."

She just smiled and silently walked away.

* * *

If you are not familiar with the beauty that is John Mulaney's humor, I highly suggest to head over to Netflix and treat yo self.

watch?v=umjFkY9uAdo


End file.
